On Seeking Closure

Do you need to close the book on an event that has caused you pain?  Is it a book you take out often and reread it in the hope of finding a different ending only to feel the same old anguish?

It is inevitable, there will be times when we hit a bump in our relationships, leaving us wondering what happened and why.  If you are in need of closure continue reading.

Loose Ends

What is behind that lingering feeling?  What thoughts are still tying you to this person?  Usually anger and guilt are the emotions felt.  Anger over what someone did to you, their lack of accountability.  Guilt over what you did (or didn’t do) to someone else and your resulting feeling of regret.

Acceptance

In order to free ourselves from anger and guilt requires acceptance.  To look at the truth for what it is without self-deception.  Accept your mistakes.  They happened, there’s no going back.

Forgiveness

Another thing that unties the binds that hold us is forgiveness.  In order to free ourselves from someone who has hurt us and all associated negativity is to forgive.  Our hatred has tied us to the person responsible for our anguish.  When the one who has harmed us or their negative actions come to mind, send them a blessing.  The first 100 times we try this it may seem forced or empty, but keep tying.  Eventually, it will turn into a habit.  Then peace will come to us.  Peace will replace anguish.

The Apology

If we have guilt or shame because we were the transgressor then apologize.  It’s not as simple as a, “I’m sorry.”  There must be genuine depth and full accountability.  No excuses.  An apology with an excuse is a false one.  Take complete responsibility for your actions.  Also no blaming.  Do not bring the other persons actions, behavior, or feelings into your bad choices.  Explain the underlying problem or issue, describe it, then tell them what you intend to do to rectify the problem, so that you can avoid making the mistakes again.

Symbolism

If it isn’t possible to have direct closure with the transgressor we can still have a formal goodbye.  This even helps if we did have a face to face meeting with the person.  Gather things that remind you of the person and burn them, or donate to charity.  Write a eulogy to the relationship and sy it out loud, then burn the paper it is written on.

Write it Out

It may be helpful to document the relationship with the offender, from beginning to end.  This can be very painful, but it will give us a broader perspective.  We may choose to keep the story or destroy it.  The very act of documenting and “closing the book” will help us to find emotional closure.

Start a New Book

The memories of the person we need closer from will never be erased.  But we can use the experience to our advantage, to better ourselves  and to help others.  If we are the transgressor, resolve to never make the mistake again, then go another step forward and help others to not make your mistakes.

Make the end of this relationship a turning point.  We can move forward in a positive new direction.

Remember, we must give ourselves time to heal.  The healing process never happens overnight.  Also visualization can do powerful things.  Whenever we think of the person send a blessing and visualize them in front of us, then imagine blowing him or her away with a breath.  Let them go.  Everytime we find ourselves we must do this visualization.  So take a deep breath and let them go.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.  -Anon

How to express yourself to others?

Hi Everyone!  Today I would like to introduce you to the amazing Dia Thabet.  He owns and  writes the blog www.2achieveyourgoals.com  He is a personal growth coach and consultant.  Dia has written The Ultimate Guide to Achieving Your Goals and How to Win Your Lovers Heart.   Please check out his blog to see his work and to inquire about his books.  Dia gives practical, thoughtful, and compassionate advice to anyone who needs it.  His articles are some of the finest you’ll read. 

 

How to express yourself to others?

 

Do you know how to express your emotions?  How to express yourself to others?

Often people say to others “talk so I get to know you” or “express yourself” You might want to express your love to someone in your life like your parents, children, or partner, but don’t know how. 

Jennifer mentions that she wishes to express her love to her mother, but whenever she goes to talk to her, she finds that she can’t express her emotions. 

Kelly also just like Jennifer, despite her love for her husband, she feels that doesn’t give him what he deserves and doesn’t express her love for him. 

Are you like Jennifer and Kelly?  Can you express your emotions to the people you love or you can’t?

To learn how to express yourself to others, then follow the quick guide below:

1.  Focus on others

Instead of focusing on your emotions, start focusing on the message that you want to give to the other person.  Often people focus on themselves and in the process, miss-communicate the message that they want to express. 

2.  Use simple language

When you express yourself, use simple words.  If you try to use complicated statements, then the other individual might misunderstand what you are trying to say.  Also, don’t forget that simple words get to people’s hearts easier and faster, so it is always better to express yourself using simple language.   

3.  Choose the right time

When you want to express yourself and how you feel, make sure you choose the right time.  For example, if you want to express your love for your partner, make sure your partner is in a good mood and mentally and physically relaxed.  If you choose the wrong timing like when your partner is tired, then your mate might not respond the way you want him to respond.

4.  Use your body language

Use your body language to express what you want to say.  Your words have to compliment your body language.  For instance, to express your love to your partner when the features of your face show anger doesn’t help.  Your facial expressions and body gestures should match what you are trying to express. 

5.  Show affection

When you want to express yourself, you should show affection.  When you show love and affection, others will be more likely to appreciate what you have to say.

How to be a couple extraordinaire

In honor of Valentine’s Day I wrote a list on how to be a great couple all year round.  Being in a relationship is one thing, but being in a healthy, happy relationship is another.  I’ve been with my sweetheart for over 7 years.  We’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t.  We are still learning actually.  People grow and change over the years.  It’s important to grow together, to support each other, to be friends as well as lovers. 

1. Reminisce about happy times.
2. Accept one another.
3. Have time with each other that doesn’t involve the tv, phone, internet, etc;
4. Make future plans together whether it’s a camping trip, or trying out a new coffee shop.
5. Watch comedies and laugh together.
6. Be courteous – always.
7. Always kiss goodnight and good morning.
8. Read books, poetry, or bible verses to each other.
9. Act silly together.
10. Never, ever speak badly about your partner behind their backs, ever.
11. Everyday tell someone one nice thing about your partner.
12. Tell them about your day.  Did something make you think of them?
13. Don’t compare them to anyone.
14. Give them your full attention when talking.
15. Lavish them with praise.
16. Ask about their thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
17. Take pride in them and show it.
18. Say you’re sorry.
19. Do nothing together.
20. Pray or meditate together.
21. Give each other space.
22. Encourage their interests.  If something feeds their soul, it should be held sacred by you.
23. Learn something new together.
24. Make each other cookies.
25. Forgive them.
26. Let go of pettiness.
27. Leave love notes.
28. Keep promises.
29. Give them a deep, wet kiss that lingers forever.
30. Whisper I love you, in their ear.  It sounds so nice that way. 

A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude”    -Rilke

What have you found that promotes growth and happiness in a relationship?

Self-gratitude

With so much emphasis on gratitude and how it positively affect our lives, I would like to focus on self-gratitude.  When we have self-gratitude, we can appreciate ourselves without any outside influence.  It can be difficult to do, but it is one of the most powerful things we will ever do.

There are so many wonderful books and articles that focus on self-improvement.  There is only one thing that makes the advice and tools work or not – the user.  It’s how the user feels about themself that will determine if the self-improvement technique will work.  That is the key to positive change.  Gratitude is a powerful attitude that will bring results and self-gratitude can change everything about your life. 

We all play the “lets beat ourselves up” game.  We replay over in our heads the mistakes we made, regrets we have.  We tell ourselves we’re not good enough.  It is a self-defeating cycle that is heart breaking.  So learning self-gratitude requires that we begin to appreciate ourselves where we are less than satisfied with our choices.  It’s time to give ourselves a break already. 

One way to do that is to write out a done list.  Not the things we need to do, but have already done for ourselves.  We are the most important person in our lives. If we fail to recognize the things we do for ourselves, we will be discounting our value.

Always start by being grateful for what is.  If we make ourselves a delicious breakfast, acknowledge and feel the gratitude.  Write down everything on the list that we’ve done for ourselves, even if it’s finishing the laundry.  Also the needed time to refocus and recharge and let the gratitude felt, spread to the other things we do.

Eventually we’ll see our done lists get longer and longer.  The magic that happens from having self-gratitude is we will find that we get better at the things we do.  As we start to have more appreciation for ourselves there will be less and less beating ourselves up. 

As we write our life done list and our daily done list we can get creative and even crazy.  No one else needs to see the lists.  We will shine in our own excellence.