Archive for ‘Relationships’

February 28, 2011

On Seeking Closure

by Dandy

Do you need to close the book on an event that has caused you pain?  Is it a book you take out often and reread it in the hope of finding a different ending only to feel the same old anguish?

It is inevitable, there will be times when we hit a bump in our relationships, leaving us wondering what happened and why.  If you are in need of closure continue reading.

Loose Ends

What is behind that lingering feeling?  What thoughts are still tying you to this person?  Usually anger and guilt are the emotions felt.  Anger over what someone did to you, their lack of accountability.  Guilt over what you did (or didn’t do) to someone else and your resulting feeling of regret.

Acceptance

In order to free ourselves from anger and guilt requires acceptance.  To look at the truth for what it is without self-deception.  Accept your mistakes.  They happened, there’s no going back.

Forgiveness

Another thing that unties the binds that hold us is forgiveness.  In order to free ourselves from someone who has hurt us and all associated negativity is to forgive.  Our hatred has tied us to the person responsible for our anguish.  When the one who has harmed us or their negative actions come to mind, send them a blessing.  The first 100 times we try this it may seem forced or empty, but keep tying.  Eventually, it will turn into a habit.  Then peace will come to us.  Peace will replace anguish.

The Apology

If we have guilt or shame because we were the transgressor then apologize.  It’s not as simple as a, “I’m sorry.”  There must be genuine depth and full accountability.  No excuses.  An apology with an excuse is a false one.  Take complete responsibility for your actions.  Also no blaming.  Do not bring the other persons actions, behavior, or feelings into your bad choices.  Explain the underlying problem or issue, describe it, then tell them what you intend to do to rectify the problem, so that you can avoid making the mistakes again.

Symbolism

If it isn’t possible to have direct closure with the transgressor we can still have a formal goodbye.  This even helps if we did have a face to face meeting with the person.  Gather things that remind you of the person and burn them, or donate to charity.  Write a eulogy to the relationship and sy it out loud, then burn the paper it is written on.

Write it Out

It may be helpful to document the relationship with the offender, from beginning to end.  This can be very painful, but it will give us a broader perspective.  We may choose to keep the story or destroy it.  The very act of documenting and “closing the book” will help us to find emotional closure.

Start a New Book

The memories of the person we need closer from will never be erased.  But we can use the experience to our advantage, to better ourselves  and to help others.  If we are the transgressor, resolve to never make the mistake again, then go another step forward and help others to not make your mistakes.

Make the end of this relationship a turning point.  We can move forward in a positive new direction.

Remember, we must give ourselves time to heal.  The healing process never happens overnight.  Also visualization can do powerful things.  Whenever we think of the person send a blessing and visualize them in front of us, then imagine blowing him or her away with a breath.  Let them go.  Everytime we find ourselves we must do this visualization.  So take a deep breath and let them go.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.  -Anon

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February 21, 2011

How to express yourself to others?

by Dandy

Hi Everyone!  Today I would like to introduce you to the amazing Dia Thabet.  He owns and  writes the blog www.2achieveyourgoals.com  He is a personal growth coach and consultant.  Dia has written The Ultimate Guide to Achieving Your Goals and How to Win Your Lovers Heart.   Please check out his blog to see his work and to inquire about his books.  Dia gives practical, thoughtful, and compassionate advice to anyone who needs it.  His articles are some of the finest you’ll read. 

 

How to express yourself to others?

 

Do you know how to express your emotions?  How to express yourself to others?

Often people say to others “talk so I get to know you” or “express yourself” You might want to express your love to someone in your life like your parents, children, or partner, but don’t know how. 

Jennifer mentions that she wishes to express her love to her mother, but whenever she goes to talk to her, she finds that she can’t express her emotions. 

Kelly also just like Jennifer, despite her love for her husband, she feels that doesn’t give him what he deserves and doesn’t express her love for him. 

Are you like Jennifer and Kelly?  Can you express your emotions to the people you love or you can’t?

To learn how to express yourself to others, then follow the quick guide below:

1.  Focus on others

Instead of focusing on your emotions, start focusing on the message that you want to give to the other person.  Often people focus on themselves and in the process, miss-communicate the message that they want to express. 

2.  Use simple language

When you express yourself, use simple words.  If you try to use complicated statements, then the other individual might misunderstand what you are trying to say.  Also, don’t forget that simple words get to people’s hearts easier and faster, so it is always better to express yourself using simple language.   

3.  Choose the right time

When you want to express yourself and how you feel, make sure you choose the right time.  For example, if you want to express your love for your partner, make sure your partner is in a good mood and mentally and physically relaxed.  If you choose the wrong timing like when your partner is tired, then your mate might not respond the way you want him to respond.

4.  Use your body language

Use your body language to express what you want to say.  Your words have to compliment your body language.  For instance, to express your love to your partner when the features of your face show anger doesn’t help.  Your facial expressions and body gestures should match what you are trying to express. 

5.  Show affection

When you want to express yourself, you should show affection.  When you show love and affection, others will be more likely to appreciate what you have to say.

February 14, 2011

How to be a couple extraordinaire

by Dandy

In honor of Valentine’s Day I wrote a list on how to be a great couple all year round.  Being in a relationship is one thing, but being in a healthy, happy relationship is another.  I’ve been with my sweetheart for over 7 years.  We’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t.  We are still learning actually.  People grow and change over the years.  It’s important to grow together, to support each other, to be friends as well as lovers. 

  1. Reminisce about happy times.
  2. Accept one another.
  3. Have time with each other that doesn’t involve the tv, phone, internet, etc;
  4. Make future plans together whether it’s a camping trip, or trying out a new coffee shop.
  5. Watch comedies and laugh together.
  6. Be courteous – always.
  7. Always kiss goodnight and good morning.
  8. Read books, poetry, or bible verses to each other.
  9. Act silly together.
  10. Never, ever speak badly about your partner behind their backs, ever.
  11. Everyday tell someone one nice thing about your partner.
  12. Tell them about your day.  Did something make you think of them?
  13. Don’t compare them to anyone.
  14. Give them your full attention when talking.
  15. Lavish them with praise.
  16. Ask about their thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
  17. Take pride in them and show it.
  18. Say you’re sorry.
  19. Do nothing together.
  20. Pray or meditate together.
  21. Give each other space.
  22. Encourage their interests.  If something feeds their soul, it should be held sacred by you.
  23. Learn something new together.
  24. Make each other cookies.
  25. Forgive them.
  26. Let go of pettiness.
  27. Leave love notes.
  28. Keep promises.
  29. Give them a deep, wet kiss that lingers forever.
  30. Whisper I love you, in their ear.  It sounds so nice that way. 

A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude”    -Rilke

What have you found that promotes growth and happiness in a relationship?

December 13, 2010

Do you get lost in a relationship?

by Dandy

It happens.  Even strong people can lose themselves in a relationship.  We can become so happily wrapped up in our partner that after a while we feel something is amiss within ourselves.  Where did we go?  When we are in love our partner gets high on the  list of priorities.  That’s ok.  They are supposed to be on that list.  Their time schedule, their hobbies and interests, their priorities, it all becomes our own priorities.  It’s when we get lost in them we become unbalanced.  How do we hold onto our selves and have a healthy relationship?

To have a healthy relationship you must be a healthy person.  A symbiotic relationship is an unhealthy one.  One person is needy and dependent.  One person has power over the other.  The result of this is the loss of integrity of both partners.  A healthy relationship is one where there is maturity, peace, and stability.  Both individuals have plenty of room to be themselves and there is genuine acceptance.  In a symbiotic relationship one partner is driven by fear that the other will leave.  In a healthy relationship, each individual is free to take up room in the others life and each person has balance in their own life.  A person will choose rather than be driven to give love to the other partner. 

  We have all seen negative, sick, grossly unhealthy relationships.  Many of us don’t even have much of an idea of what a healthy relationship even is.  In a healthy relationship we give our love freely, with no conditions and expectations.  Many of us have learned through our observances of other relationships, that to give love means to “give up” or “give away”.  In essence creating a deficit in our own selves.  We also learn to give only as much as we expect to receive, so that we don’t feel cheated by giving more.  In a healthy relationship, giving is very different from these types of messages we have received.

In a symbiotic relationship one partner gives up a significant part of themselves in order to keep the peace.  This unhealthy individual is ruled by a fear of being alone and they will give away parts of themselves for the sake of staying in the relationship.  So while short-term conflict is avoided, the status-quo will be maintained.  In the long run the price paid is high.  The price is the precious loss of self.  If one partner sacrifices themself too much then the other partner has more power and control over the entire relationship.  When there is an unbalance of power the relationship will feel very unsatisfying for both individuals.  The price paid for not being alone is to give up who and what they are, their wants and needs. For not wanting to be alone the individual will ultimately feel alone. 

To have a healthy relationship we have to love ourselves.  To give up ourselves or shrink it down to make room for the other partner, will haunt us.  We will feel resentment, regret, and anger.  Therefore, the relationship will deteriorate.  We all need relationships, but we also need to be fulfilled within ourselves.  When we give up pieces of ourselves for the sake of a relationship we do so at the cost of our identity and personal growth.

Our lives should never totally change when we enter into a relationship.  We have to maintain our individuality and personal goals.  We need to maintain and continue to develop our friendships, hobbies, careers, and interests that we had before we met our partner.  If we give these up, we give up our uniqueness.  Maintaining our individuality will enable us and our partner to build a healthy relationship.  We will also be more interesting for our partner.  They will want to stay with us.

Symbiotic relationships fail in many ways because they are unsatisfactory.  When we enter a relationship and give up all the wonderful things that make us who we are we aren’t giving ourselves the love we need.  We have to love and respect ourselves first before we can give love to another.  The loss of self, identity, authenticity, whatever you wish to call it is a profoundly sad loss.  It is devastating.

We also must not confuse identity and individuality with flexibility.  Identity is about all the great things that make us who we are.  flexibility and compromise are crucial to a healthy relationship and will always be necessary in any relationship.  To compromise we have to be committed to honest communication of our feelings and needs at all times.

Neither you or your partner should give up what makes you unique and the special person you both are.  It’s up to you and your partner to create and maintain a balance.  Healthy boundaries will accomplish this along with loving ourselves.

November 17, 2010

Accept and be free

by Dandy

There is so much stress coming at us from all directions.  Some of it is avoidable, some is not.  Sometimes we bring it upon ourselves by trying to fix people or wishing they would change.  Learning to accept things and people for what and who they are means stepping out of the self-imposed stress and letting go.

There are people we look at and see what they are doing wrong and the various ways they could improve themselves and their lives.  That is judgement.   We are all guilty of it.  Sometimes that judgement can cause us anguish and heavy amounts of stress.  When we are wrapped up tightly around people who have qualities we disapprove of it affects us in profoundly negative ways. 

People are who they are.  Just because we see room for improvement in their lives doesn’t mean they’ll change.  People won’t change because we want them to be happier, better, or different.  No matter how many times we kiss a frog it will still be a frog.

Start by choosing to accept yourself.  We all pick ourselves apart at times.  Women especially are notorious for this.  When we feel we aren’t good enough we either have high expectations of our partners, or have none at all.  Just because we feel a person should be a certain way doesn’t mean they will feel obligated to meet those expectations.  Nobody is obligated to adopt or adhere to our belief system.  Do not speak or think the words, “ought to”, “should”, or ,”why can’t she”.  If you are profoundly unhappy with someone, move on and away from them if possible.  If the someone is someone you can’t say toodles to, strictly limit your time with them.  Look after your own well-being.

That’s the wonderful benefit of learning to accept others for who they are…it frees you from having to problem solve, giving unwanted help, and unsolicited advice.  It frees you from all the energy it takes to try to change someone.  Take all that precious energy and put it into your precious self. 

Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the anacceptable. – Denis Waitley

What are the things you need to stop judging yourself on?  Who have you been trying to change?  Can you wish them well on their journey and let go?

November 11, 2010

Romantic relationships – an exercise on values

by Dandy

Romantic relationships – a heavy topic.  We all desire connectedness, love, respect, and companionship.  In todays very tough economical times, having stability in our relationship with our partner is so very important.    Continue reading for a fun exercise that can only make your relationship stronger and healthier.

We all desire to experience and share love, but yet we are all very unique individuals.  A persons uniqueness can lead some couples to have more in common than others.  Then there are couples who are drawn together because of their differences.   Couples must be willing to grow to understand each other’s full natures.  Impartial curiosity must be allowed to move them beyond their attachments so they can learn more by exploring each others values.

We are all guilty at times of trying to change the other person and to blame the other if something is making us unhappy. It is crucial to move beyond the need to be right and to seek the deeper answers, which will help both to learn how to relate on a level of deep awareness.  Perhaps then any differences will blur and soften because of a  stronger understanding of each others intentions and this will produce a greater compassion for each others values and needs.

It is so easy to get into a blaming state of mind.  But it is imperative to a healthy relationship to release the need to blame.  To have a bridge of support we must move beyond pettiness.  The bridge itself can be the common ground for better communication.  Throw away the blame and the need to be right and embrace compassion.

A wonderful exercise for couples is for each person to make a list of their own values.  Then on that list mark which values are negotiable and which ones are non-negotiable.  While doing this exercise leave judgement behind and use curiosity.  You will discover what your partners deeper intentions are as well as your own.  Each person will see that who their partner is is who they are.  The desire to change the other person will lesson.  Perhaps each person will see that there is no right and wrong.  Differences are not necessarily wrong or negative.  Both people have values and they are important to respect. 

In understanding each others values, a neutrality can be built.  When a conflict arises each partner can see a the other may not be coming from a place of selfishness, but rather a place of love.  This is why a deep understanding of each others values are crucial.  In a neutral place compromise is possible.  By taking inventory of greater values, each will come to understand that everyone has different needs and why they are expressed the way they are.  Needs will never be met by trying to change the other person.

Having open discussions of what you learn will be helpful in solving problems and conflicts, especially if they have been building for some time.

If your partner is currently unwilling to do this value exercise with you, you can still make a list of  your negotiable and non-negotiable values.  This self-awareness may be enough to change the dynamics of your relationship, creating an open space  for your partner to make a shift.  Being in touch with your authentic self can never hurt.

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