Posts tagged ‘values’

January 31, 2011

The tragedy of self-deception and the gift of honesty

by Dandy

One of the biggest challenges to obtaining happiness is by living in denial and by telling ourselves lies and half-truths.  This self-deception enables us to live in negativity and invest in people who help us to create illusions.  This means we are resistant to acceptance, truth, and change.  If we didn’t resist, whether knowingly or unknowingly, we would have to see things in reality and possibly have to make big change and most importantly of all – take action.

When we deny and lie to ourselves, we:

*  Focus on somebody elses problems to distract from looking at ourselves.

*  Act happier than we feel, that we eventually lose touch with who we are, how we feel, and what our values are.  Bad behavior is seen as normal.

*  Become defensive or even aggressive when people say what we don’t want to hear.  This can result in us isolating ourselves, because we’re not ready to hear the truth.

*  Claim we want to make others happy, because it’s easier to do this rather than put the work into ourselves.  We think our happiness will be a by-product, but we end up often trying to make the wrong types of people happy.

*  Hold onto anger, frustration, and indignation for a long time.  We replay and analyse the situation.  Brood over the woulda, shoulda, coulda, and basically holding on “it” or “them” as a security blanket.

*  Create obstacles to why we can’t change or improve, and use these as reasons to remain fearful, and spend more time worrying than experiencing the reality of these fears.

*  Claim that the reasons we continue to engage with someone or something is for reasons that it’s not. 

*  Say it’s them not us.

*  Become so distanced from our true selves, that we become inauthentic, acting out of sync with our values, doing one thing and saying another.

Denial and lies let us keep telling ourselves the “story” that rolls around in our mind about what we believe to be true about ourselves, about other people, life, love, etc.

If we really want improvement and change in our lives that results in happiness, self-love, loving relationships, we have to minimise the lies and have an honest inner dialogue with ourselves so that we can get back to our real self.

This gives us boundaries, lets us know what feels right, wrong, good, bad, and basically treats us with respect, trust, kindness, and love.

We have all seen people participate in relationships where there are obvious red flags, but they were so wrapped up in all the illusions that they just didn’t see ir, or denied it.  They decided there were no problems, or that the problem was less than what it really was.  That if they love enough the problems will go away.  They think the good in the person outweighs or cancels out the bad.

To put an end to these deceptive illusions means minimising the amount of dishonesty in our lives, especially what we have total control over – ourselves.  No deceptions, no rose-colored glasses, no normalizing bad behavior.  No pretending to be or feel things that we don’t.  We will then stop being participants in unhealthy relationships and situations.  We will be able to catch ourselves and say, “no that isn’t the truth.”  There will be no excuses.  We will be accountable and we won’t shy away from the responsibility that we have to ourselves.

By stopping the denial and lying and start being truly honest, we will be more likely to take action and do something about a problem and actually find a solution.  But we must acknowledge the reality of the problem in the first place.

We will get over relationships if we stop trying to deny who the person is, their issues, and the holes in the relationship.  We will get over the lost love when we stop lying to ourselves about who they are, the truth of the situation, and our own feeling and learn to accept even the uncomfortable truth instead of trying to control people and situations through denial.

If we allow positivity to take up our lives, we will make positive decisions, find ourselves in positive situations, and we’ll become authentic. 

In what ways have you been in denial?  How have you been lying to yourself?  Have you made the decision to be honest with yourself?

November 11, 2010

Romantic relationships – an exercise on values

by Dandy

Romantic relationships – a heavy topic.  We all desire connectedness, love, respect, and companionship.  In todays very tough economical times, having stability in our relationship with our partner is so very important.    Continue reading for a fun exercise that can only make your relationship stronger and healthier.

We all desire to experience and share love, but yet we are all very unique individuals.  A persons uniqueness can lead some couples to have more in common than others.  Then there are couples who are drawn together because of their differences.   Couples must be willing to grow to understand each other’s full natures.  Impartial curiosity must be allowed to move them beyond their attachments so they can learn more by exploring each others values.

We are all guilty at times of trying to change the other person and to blame the other if something is making us unhappy. It is crucial to move beyond the need to be right and to seek the deeper answers, which will help both to learn how to relate on a level of deep awareness.  Perhaps then any differences will blur and soften because of a  stronger understanding of each others intentions and this will produce a greater compassion for each others values and needs.

It is so easy to get into a blaming state of mind.  But it is imperative to a healthy relationship to release the need to blame.  To have a bridge of support we must move beyond pettiness.  The bridge itself can be the common ground for better communication.  Throw away the blame and the need to be right and embrace compassion.

A wonderful exercise for couples is for each person to make a list of their own values.  Then on that list mark which values are negotiable and which ones are non-negotiable.  While doing this exercise leave judgement behind and use curiosity.  You will discover what your partners deeper intentions are as well as your own.  Each person will see that who their partner is is who they are.  The desire to change the other person will lesson.  Perhaps each person will see that there is no right and wrong.  Differences are not necessarily wrong or negative.  Both people have values and they are important to respect. 

In understanding each others values, a neutrality can be built.  When a conflict arises each partner can see a the other may not be coming from a place of selfishness, but rather a place of love.  This is why a deep understanding of each others values are crucial.  In a neutral place compromise is possible.  By taking inventory of greater values, each will come to understand that everyone has different needs and why they are expressed the way they are.  Needs will never be met by trying to change the other person.

Having open discussions of what you learn will be helpful in solving problems and conflicts, especially if they have been building for some time.

If your partner is currently unwilling to do this value exercise with you, you can still make a list of  your negotiable and non-negotiable values.  This self-awareness may be enough to change the dynamics of your relationship, creating an open space  for your partner to make a shift.  Being in touch with your authentic self can never hurt.

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