Do you need to close the book on an event that has caused you pain? Is it a book you take out often and reread it in the hope of finding a different ending only to feel the same old anguish?
It is inevitable, there will be times when we hit a bump in our relationships, leaving us wondering what happened and why. If you are in need of closure continue reading.
Loose Ends
What is behind that lingering feeling? What thoughts are still tying you to this person? Usually anger and guilt are the emotions felt. Anger over what someone did to you, their lack of accountability. Guilt over what you did (or didn’t do) to someone else and your resulting feeling of regret.
Acceptance
In order to free ourselves from anger and guilt requires acceptance. To look at the truth for what it is without self-deception. Accept your mistakes. They happened, there’s no going back.
Forgiveness
Another thing that unties the binds that hold us is forgiveness. In order to free ourselves from someone who has hurt us and all associated negativity is to forgive. Our hatred has tied us to the person responsible for our anguish. When the one who has harmed us or their negative actions come to mind, send them a blessing. The first 100 times we try this it may seem forced or empty, but keep tying. Eventually, it will turn into a habit. Then peace will come to us. Peace will replace anguish.
The Apology
If we have guilt or shame because we were the transgressor then apologize. It’s not as simple as a, “I’m sorry.” There must be genuine depth and full accountability. No excuses. An apology with an excuse is a false one. Take complete responsibility for your actions. Also no blaming. Do not bring the other persons actions, behavior, or feelings into your bad choices. Explain the underlying problem or issue, describe it, then tell them what you intend to do to rectify the problem, so that you can avoid making the mistakes again.
Symbolism
If it isn’t possible to have direct closure with the transgressor we can still have a formal goodbye. This even helps if we did have a face to face meeting with the person. Gather things that remind you of the person and burn them, or donate to charity. Write a eulogy to the relationship and sy it out loud, then burn the paper it is written on.
Write it Out
It may be helpful to document the relationship with the offender, from beginning to end. This can be very painful, but it will give us a broader perspective. We may choose to keep the story or destroy it. The very act of documenting and “closing the book” will help us to find emotional closure.
Start a New Book
The memories of the person we need closer from will never be erased. But we can use the experience to our advantage, to better ourselves and to help others. If we are the transgressor, resolve to never make the mistake again, then go another step forward and help others to not make your mistakes.
Make the end of this relationship a turning point. We can move forward in a positive new direction.
Remember, we must give ourselves time to heal. The healing process never happens overnight. Also visualization can do powerful things. Whenever we think of the person send a blessing and visualize them in front of us, then imagine blowing him or her away with a breath. Let them go. Everytime we find ourselves we must do this visualization. So take a deep breath and let them go.
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. -Anon
The Reflective Self 